i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
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She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
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I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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