Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
