I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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