WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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