i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
