Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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