fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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