Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Do you still have your period?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea