Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!