So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
