I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
