i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
