Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
