You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
