I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
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I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
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yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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