My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
