You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
