I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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