my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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