If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
