I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
