My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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