New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
