Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
