All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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