as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
