Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
