I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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