Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
