FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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