I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
