Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
