i permit you to call me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
