I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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