I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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