dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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