this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
this is an emotional support booty call
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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