I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
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I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
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There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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