Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
