im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
