He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
