Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
