I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
