my phone needs a breathalizer
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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