"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
