My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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