Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
