Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
