It's like God shit irony all over that family
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
