tonight lets celebrate not being married
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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