my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
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