i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
