I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
