Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
