I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
